Spooked

I saw a ghost on the weekend.

I had a good evening out for a friend's birthday dancing at my favourite nightclub. Favourite because they have awesome DJ's and a strict gay and gay friendly patron policy which means I don't have to worry about being hit on by the men there (they're not even looking at me! LOL!). And, I've found I'm not a typical gay women's cup of tea either. When I go there I'm left to enjoy myself and my time with my friends and I'm not be questioned by complete strangers about why I'm "out without my husband".

I was walking from the nightclub to my car, a short distance, on my own. I was heading home for the night, it was around 2am on Sunday morning.

As I saw him, I thought to myself do I stop and say hi, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see him? I stopped and said hi. He replied saying "Wow, its been like 5 years, right?" "Yeah about that, or maybe even longer", I said.

We exchanged awkward chit chat for a little while and he asked me what was new. I replied flashing him my wedding and engagement rings and said "I'm married!". He was speechless, which took me by surprise. I tried changing the subject and he didn't say anything, and just looked at me blankly. So I said "I'm going, sorry, this is too awkward". He said "No, no, don't, sorry. You just told me you're married, you have to give me two seconds to process that".

We chatted a little more, I told him that I thought of him from time to time, but that I didn't expect to see him again after he moved so far away after the horrible, painful way things had ended up between us. I gave him a hug and said good bye, he looked me in the eye and asked me if I was happy. "I am, yes" I replied. "Are you?". "As happy as I can be" he said and then told me to take care.

And I walked away and drove home.

I honestly didn't expect to ever see him again. He wasn't a "nightlife/clubbing" kind of person AT ALL when we knew each other, so seeing him in those circumstances was very odd. It was his different-ness that attracted me to him all those years ago--he was wearing suit pants and a matching tailored vest over a long sleeved shirt, clothes you wouldn't normally see on a 27 year old man. And I certainly didn't expect to see him back in town. That said, I wasn't quite sure how I would feel if I did see him. Before he walked out of my life, even a text message or email from him would make my heart flutter. He had sole possession of me. I gave all I was to him. He ruled me and I made some huge mistakes in my past because of the obsession I had with him.

But seeing him was finite and absolute closure on all of that. He didn't look the same, sound the same, look at me that same or ignite any kind of fire inside me the way he used to. I was just chatting to some one I used to know and who was important to me in a life gone by.

I got home and got into bed with my husband and whispered in his ear "I love you" as I pulled him in close to me. I fell asleep feeling lucky, happy and like a chapter of my life I never thought would be closed, firmly, firmly shut.

Why blog?

I've been thinking over the last couple of weeks about whether I want to start a new blog or not. Or if I want to blog at all.

I began my first blog in 2003 after seeing an article in a Cosmo or Cleo magazine about the "blog craze" that was taking over the internet. I'd never even heard of a weblog and was incredibly intrigued. After reading a few "diary" type blogs over a couple of weeks I decided to start my own. At the time I was a troubled 25 year old woman with a sense of direction stupidly skewed by a desperate and all encompassing unrequited love. A woman who was doing things that I was most definitely not proud of. Things that I didn't and couldn't speak to anyone about. Looking back even now I'm absolutely ashamed of what I was doing. It all ended with big dramatic fireworks and three broken hearts just a matter of weeks before I began my first blog in a very Sex and the Cityish way--much like when Natasha finds out that Carrie is sleeping with Big. So yeah. And I found it SO comforting to have this place where I could have those conversations with myself that I couldn't possibly imagine ever having with another person. Of course, having a blog didn't automatically turn off the "foolish" switch in my head, but it gave me a little perspective over time. Especially on my drinking and the toxic personal situations I repeatedly allowed myself to be a part of.

And once husband I were together, and that blog, through which we met each other (crazy huh!?) had served its purpose, I moved on. All in all, I've had 4 blogs and each one of them has ended up being a pretty raw account of my feelings over time, even if I never intended it to be, like here.

I was thinking this afternoon about why I no longer feel compelled to blog like I used to. Maybe its that I can keep my secrets inside now with out them eating away at me the way they used to because they aren't these terrible awful damaging ridiculous things blackening my heart. Maybe I can have those conversations out loud and full of honesty with other people now. Whatever it is, I do some what miss having that place to purge and whine and grin and ponder. So, I guess what I'm saying is, I'm still thinking, so watch this space....

Life sucks

My grandfather had a stroke tonight. My mother and her siblings may never see him again, and because of that my heart is aching.

Everything else that seemed so huge today pales in significance.

Long time no post....

I've had a couple of people contact me via other avenues asking how I'm doing and why I'm not blogging any more.

An unbelievable amount has changed in my life over the past several months.

After husband and I returned from our holiday overseas, I was ready to pack up and leave him. Leave our marriage. I felt tired and empty and like I was just banging my head against the same wall over and over. He told me he wasn't going to let that happen and has been fighting for me since then. We're connecting on a new level, one based on honesty and on sharing raw feelings as they come up. No more running from that for us.

Another couple of people close to me disappointed me. One lied and lied and lied, and denied it when she was caught out and the other just behaved like a spoilt selfish self entitled child. People never cease to amaze me.

I don't know that I will be updating here all that often anymore. I started this blog to document my weightloss journey with my band and it ended up being a whole lot more than that. I'm not quite sure I want for this particular blog to take the path that it was leading to.

Should I start a new blog, I'll link to the url.

Stay safe, well and loved.

I'm alive

Lots has happened since I last posted. Both good and bad.

But I'm alive, and I'm getting by.

My next post will probably be after I return from hubby and I's jaunt overseas next week.

Stay safe and well, and I'll do the same.

Adjusting

I've been trying to tell myself these past few weeks that I am ok with change. That I am older and more able to adjust to people coming in and out of my life. And that the ebbs and flows of friendships and relationships are simply out of my control. That I should just deal with what is happening and let things be how they will--surrender to the universe if you will.

But the truth is, I am tiring of it. I am growing so weary of my friendship and time and love not being enough in the end. I find myself analysing my behaviour around and around. And then around once more for good measure.

I have yet to find a common thread in why I continually end up here. Why I form what I consider to be strong bonds with people, friendships that I depend on and cherish and hunger, only to have them dissolve without any visible reason why.

I wonder if it is me. If I am too needy, too gregarious, too something. After all, I am the common denominator in each scenario.

And its funny, you know, that while I am feeling this way, slightly abandoned and distant, for the first time in a long time I am not compelled to drink to have a moments solitude from it. I have consciously noticed this. And it is new territory for me to not seek some kind of escape.

I am 5 weeks into my new non smoking life. Husband and I celebrated a milestone during the week. I'm considering applying for a promotion. Things are keeping on moving on, but this one merry go round, I can't seem to escape.

Family ties

Ugh is all I can say right now.

That ugly monster of expecting people to treat me with respect and treat me the way I treat them is rearing its head again.

I love my family. So incredibly. But that doesn't mean I will let them treat me like a punching bag or let them take advantage of me or expect me to lie for them and cover up the fact that they are behaving appallingly. That just doesn't fly with me.

And I told my sister so today. The line between sisters and friends has been skewed more and more over the past few months with the two of us. There are some things you just don't want to know about your siblings.

I predict that there might be an obvious distance between her and I for some time, but I will welcome the time for us to redevelop our lives apart from each other.

Its sad, but it had to happen. We couldn't go on the way things were.

Yeah so......

Whatever.

I am SO over this.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO over it.

Putting it out there in the universe....

I'm putting this out in the universe because I'm not sure if actually sending it would solve anything, but I need some kind of closure on it all....so I'll think about it for a while..

I wasn't going to reply to your email but I thought if I did, you'd know why I no longer want to be in contact with you and might leave me alone.

You made big promises to me when we started being in contact again about making it up to me for what happened in the past and being a proper friend to me. I understand now that you and ***** were in the process of splitting up, but one would think that would be when you'd need your friends most. Apparently not.

It became all to obvious that I was simply a distraction for you for a little while and then you moved on when you got a better offer. Thats fair enough, you're single now and have every right to be out there playing the field and not wasting your time hanging out with me.

I however, don't want to just always be the back up plan. It seems thats all I have ever been to you--some one to spend a few months with and then you all but completely disappear without any notice. While you said you wanted for us to be friends, we could never actually BE friends because of all the other stuff that was happening and because you never wanted to admit to anyone that we were spending time together again--I never did understand why that was because I had no shame in telling people we were. I've never regretted something the way I regret what happened with you and I last year and how I let you in AGAIN. It was stupid and toxic and I wish that I could undo it. But I can't, so all I can to do is walk away and not put myself in a position to be hurt by you like that again.

This was the last chance for you to do the right thing by me and you couldn't for what ever reason. So lets just go our separate ways once and for all.

Back on the horse

Well what do you know--I went back to the gym today!

I only managed a 10 minute run, 15 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the elliptical, but damnit, its a start!

How could I have forgotten how wonderful running makes me feel. I really do love it. And a friend told me today the 10km fun run I've done the last 2 years is in September--I've got plenty of time to get my pace and fitness up to a decent rate by then!

I'll be back there tomorrow. Bring it on!