Adjusting

I've been trying to tell myself these past few weeks that I am ok with change. That I am older and more able to adjust to people coming in and out of my life. And that the ebbs and flows of friendships and relationships are simply out of my control. That I should just deal with what is happening and let things be how they will--surrender to the universe if you will.

But the truth is, I am tiring of it. I am growing so weary of my friendship and time and love not being enough in the end. I find myself analysing my behaviour around and around. And then around once more for good measure.

I have yet to find a common thread in why I continually end up here. Why I form what I consider to be strong bonds with people, friendships that I depend on and cherish and hunger, only to have them dissolve without any visible reason why.

I wonder if it is me. If I am too needy, too gregarious, too something. After all, I am the common denominator in each scenario.

And its funny, you know, that while I am feeling this way, slightly abandoned and distant, for the first time in a long time I am not compelled to drink to have a moments solitude from it. I have consciously noticed this. And it is new territory for me to not seek some kind of escape.

I am 5 weeks into my new non smoking life. Husband and I celebrated a milestone during the week. I'm considering applying for a promotion. Things are keeping on moving on, but this one merry go round, I can't seem to escape.

Family ties

Ugh is all I can say right now.

That ugly monster of expecting people to treat me with respect and treat me the way I treat them is rearing its head again.

I love my family. So incredibly. But that doesn't mean I will let them treat me like a punching bag or let them take advantage of me or expect me to lie for them and cover up the fact that they are behaving appallingly. That just doesn't fly with me.

And I told my sister so today. The line between sisters and friends has been skewed more and more over the past few months with the two of us. There are some things you just don't want to know about your siblings.

I predict that there might be an obvious distance between her and I for some time, but I will welcome the time for us to redevelop our lives apart from each other.

Its sad, but it had to happen. We couldn't go on the way things were.

Yeah so......

Whatever.

I am SO over this.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO over it.

Putting it out there in the universe....

I'm putting this out in the universe because I'm not sure if actually sending it would solve anything, but I need some kind of closure on it all....so I'll think about it for a while..

I wasn't going to reply to your email but I thought if I did, you'd know why I no longer want to be in contact with you and might leave me alone.

You made big promises to me when we started being in contact again about making it up to me for what happened in the past and being a proper friend to me. I understand now that you and ***** were in the process of splitting up, but one would think that would be when you'd need your friends most. Apparently not.

It became all to obvious that I was simply a distraction for you for a little while and then you moved on when you got a better offer. Thats fair enough, you're single now and have every right to be out there playing the field and not wasting your time hanging out with me.

I however, don't want to just always be the back up plan. It seems thats all I have ever been to you--some one to spend a few months with and then you all but completely disappear without any notice. While you said you wanted for us to be friends, we could never actually BE friends because of all the other stuff that was happening and because you never wanted to admit to anyone that we were spending time together again--I never did understand why that was because I had no shame in telling people we were. I've never regretted something the way I regret what happened with you and I last year and how I let you in AGAIN. It was stupid and toxic and I wish that I could undo it. But I can't, so all I can to do is walk away and not put myself in a position to be hurt by you like that again.

This was the last chance for you to do the right thing by me and you couldn't for what ever reason. So lets just go our separate ways once and for all.

Back on the horse

Well what do you know--I went back to the gym today!

I only managed a 10 minute run, 15 minutes on the bike and 15 minutes on the elliptical, but damnit, its a start!

How could I have forgotten how wonderful running makes me feel. I really do love it. And a friend told me today the 10km fun run I've done the last 2 years is in September--I've got plenty of time to get my pace and fitness up to a decent rate by then!

I'll be back there tomorrow. Bring it on!

Still sick....but...

I'm still sick, my 3 week long cold finally turned into a bacterial and viral infection. Oh the joy.

Lots has been going on, but I've been tired and uninspired to write lately. I've become one of those bloggers that I dislike--that you check back on day after day and they haven't updated. I suck. Blah.

But! I am on day 9 of not smoking. The first 4 days or so were absolute hell. But I don't even crave it now. I knew once I broke the routine around having a cigarette, the rest would be a breeze. So yeah, looks like I've kicked it. Which places a fair chunk of money a week back in my pocket.....maybe I should go get those patent leather mary janes I spotted in the store today....

Day two...

...and I still feel like rubbish.

I feel weepy and depressed.

And while I know that the stopping smoking is a contributing factor, things in my life are shifting before me and I can see what is coming my way. And while I don't like it, I know enough to know I can't change it. I can't change other people. I can't help it if I have served my purpose for people and they want to move on.

Life goes on.

I don't remember it being like this last time

I decided over the weekend that I was going to quit smoking today. I had planned to quit on July 1st but thought over the weekend--"what am I waiting for?".

I'm using nicotine patches. Today is day one.

I abused my husband in the grocery store, the car park and the drive way tonight after we got home from dinner.

I feel physically unwell. I have an urge to have a cigarette stronger than any physical, mental, emotional need I can remember in recent times.

I must have been fucking insane to start smoking again so I had to go through this all over again.

I want to go to bed and not get up for a month. I don't want to talk to people, go to work. Or do anything.

This is fucking bullshit. I hate my addict self. So much right now.

Reality check

Tonight husband and I were sitting on the couch in our pyjamas, on our laptops, watching Masterchef as we are want to do, when we heard a knock on the door. No one ever knocks on our door unexpected. Ever.

Husband answered the door to find Mr Neighbour on the doorstep. "Can I use your phone, please?" he asked. I welcomed him inside and told him he was welcome to use my new iphone that I was synching at the time. "Is everything ok?" I asked. "Ms Neighbour hasn't been home all day and I don't know where she is" he said. "We only have one phone and she has it".

He walked into our house, looking around at our lounge room. At our leather couch and ridiculously huge sony bravia LCD TV and our matching dark wood furniture. I had cleaned yesterday, so it was more tidy than usual. "Wooooow" he said looking around as I handed him my iphone.

He called her and asked her to bring some milk home for their eldest son who is 4 years old. He said their son was ready to go to bed and he didn't want to put him to bed with out some milk. She must have asked who's phone he was calling from because he said "the neighbours". He thanked me, I told him he was welcome and then he left.

I have been next door to chat to them about some troubles we both had with some other neighbours in the past little while. They have 3 kids under 4 and are only 22 years old themselves. She doesn't work, and he is an apprectice boilermaker. Their house was messy (because of the kids!) and full of miss matched furniture probably inherited from family and friends.

I started out like that when I moved out on my own at 23 after finishing university. Albeit I didn't have kids to take care of and my income was my own, but I struggled for those first few years to acquire "beautiful things" because of my limited salary. However, I have been very fortunate to have the success in my career I have and reached the management level I did with the generous benefits and handsome bonuses (until this year when they revoked them...grrrr!) at such an early stage of my career.

It only takes a few moments in time like tonight to realise how fortunate husband and I really are. We have a lovely home. New cars, computers, technology, beautiful furniture and a house full of stuff that is really something to be proud of having worked for. While I, and then my husband after we got together, have worked hard for what we have, it is fragments of time like tonight that make me appreciate the opportunities we have had and the life we have built together. While I am sure that Mr and Ms Neighbour love their kids and appreciate what they have also, tonight was a reality check for me.

A big one.

Again, I need to remember that I am a very lucky, very rewarded and sometimes spoilt woman.

This is all I've got right now...

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
Hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Black.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes, absolutely.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Every day, I'm weird like that.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Sick, still. Bored.

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
My phone.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
I was arrested by the police for possession of cocaine.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
No.

9. What are you craving right now?
I want to be desired.

10. Do you floss?
Nearly every day.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Coleslaw.

12. Are you emotional?
Sometimes.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Not that I can recall.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I eat it with a spoon.

15. Do you like your hair?
Yeah, a lot right now.

16. Do you like yourself?
Some days.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Sure, it'd be interesting.

18. What are you listening to right now?
The people around me working/talking/typing.

19. Are your parents strict?
No they were pretty cool, actually.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Not interested.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yep, straight out of the tub.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
No one ridiculously famous.

23. Do you rent movies often?
Not really. I just watch my favourites from my DVD collection over and over.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
My wedding and engagement rings.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Four.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Yeah.

27. Ever been on a train?
Yes.

28. Brown or white eggs?
Brown is all we get here.

29.Do you have a cell phone?
Of course.

30. Do you use chapstick?
Every day.

31. Do you own a gun?
Hell no.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yep, it’s the only way to eat sushi.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Friends, and then my husband.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Yes and it gets me hurt time and time again.

35. Ever been in love?
Twice.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
No.

38. Last time you cried?
Last week, or was it the week before…..?

39. What was the last question you asked?
Can I have a chocolate? LOL

40. Favorite time of the year?
When Spring turns into Summer.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No.

42. Are you sarcastic?
HAHAHAHA…noooooooooooo. LOL

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
The movie? Yes I think I have.

44. Have you ever walked into a wall?
Yeah.

45. Favorite color?
Black, silver, gold.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes, an ex after he told me he cheated on me.

47. Is your hair curly?
Naturally wavy.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Dido.

49. Do looks matter?
Unfortunately yes.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I have done, but probably wouldn't again.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
It has been lately.

52. Do you like your life right now?
Parts of it.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. It has to be pitch black and completely silent.

54. Can you handle the truth?
I try my best to.

55. Do you have good vision?
Yeah, with the exception of having astigmatism.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Dislike? Yes.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Most days.

58. The last person you held hands with?
My husband last night before we fell alseep.

59. What are you wearing?
Jeans, top, jacket, boots.

60. What are your favorite top 3 animals?
Alpacas, dogs, monkeys.

61. Where was your default picture taken?
Of what? Facebook? At a party.

62. Can you hula hoop?
Not well.

63. Do you have a job?
Yes.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
A chocolate!

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
LOL yes. An ex locked us outside his house one night and I was the only one who'd fit through the window. Good times!